Secret Garden of the Sinful Watermelons
by OverMaster
Summary: Adapting the recent gag comic about Fate/Extra. That's pretty much all there is to say about this, really.


Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon created and own _Fate Extra_ and _Fate Extra CCC_.

No monetary profit is being gained from the creation of this piece of… fanfiction. 

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**Fate Extra CCC in:**

 **Secret Garden of the Sinful Watermelons**.

Based on the mini-manga published by Koha Ace. 

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It was a beautiful, bright summer morning at the artificial beaches of the Moon Cell. An environment created by management so Masters and Servants alike could relax in between the taxing struggles of the Holy Grail War. After all, a nonstop conflict would simply leave everyone too wrecked, too quickly for the process to reach a satisfactory conclusion, and Sessyouin Kiara just liked to see young attractive people in swimwear.

So, it had come to be that said morning Emperor Nero, the ever glorious Saber, was walking out of the dressing rooms with her golden hair combed into girlish twintails, her buxom body clad in a white and orange striped bikini that left rather little to the imagination as she happily dashed over the white sands. Under an arm, she held a huge, colorful beach ball, and she called out, much like an eager big child reaching for her best friend, "Praetor! Over here, let us play! I shall finally show you why I was the best player of this sport in the whole Empire!"

Marching behind her at a far more dignified pace, her feet in sandals instead of bare like Saber's, the fox-tailed, fox-eared pink haired Caster, Tamamo-no-Mae, the sole woman in the Moon Cell who could compete with Saber in beauty, made a condescending little smirk, lightly pulling at the corner of her pink lips. "Did you actually have such games during your reign, or are you just attempting to fool my husband, shame on you?"

Saber looked back over her shoulder at her rival, who wore a blue bikini even more daring than hers, to the degree it was more like a triangle of blue on each nipple, the crotch and the buttcrack held in place by strings. "What are you talking about? We had all sports, we invented all of them, and I was the best player in every last one of them! Do you ignore everything about the story of sports, no-good lazy jackal?"

Before another fight could break out between them, their common Master, Kishinami Hakuno, a petite, cutely average slim girl with long, flowing brown hair, stepped out of her own dresser, adjusting the simple white bikini with a frilly micro skirt that she had put on one last time. "Ahhhh," she sighed, enjoying the summer warmth, "this is nice, I hadn't been to a beach since I was little. Sorry, what were you saying, Saber, Caster?"

Both Servants pulled away from each other, letting go of their respective cheeks and bikini straps. "Nothing, Master!" they innocently said at the same time, standing straight like the perfect figureheads of correction.

"We were just wondering about the perfect calm of this day, don't you also think it's wonderful?" Caster added then, smiling as she leaned ahead, towards the younger girl. Her arms were now crossed behind her back, her fingers twiddling together, imagiing they were groping tender, fresh skin. "True, I live for battle, but also for the domestic bliss of marital excursions such as these!"

Saber scoffed. "You mean you are not here to conquer? How typical of thee! As for myself, I shall make this beach Praetor's property! My arm shan't rest until all of it has knelt to you, Master!" she swore, producing a red rose out of… somewhere and offering it to Hakuno, falling to a knee before her.

Hakuno, however, already had skipped over to where Archer had set a small seaside food stand, under a large red and black umbrella. "Oh, good morning, Archer!" she happily greeted her third Servant, the mysterious, tanned and white haired man in the shorts and open jacket. "Making business since very early, I see!"

"Oh, hey, Hakuno," Archer vaguely nodded at her, with a small smile as he set more fish on the grill. "Yeah, I learned a lot on the value of money from my last Master. But for you, of course, anything's free."

"Thank you," Hakuno said while behind her, Saber and Caster sniffled together, being reminded of Kishinami's preferences, "but I think I'll pass on for now. I'd like to go swim first, and, um… have you seen Gilgamesh?"

Archer cringed for a moment at the mention of that name, even more than Saber and Caster had just done. "Hm, well," he rasped then, "I think he went away to go skinny dipping. I don't know, I wasn't paying a lot of attention to him." He always tried his best to ignore the head-butting, conflictive 'fellow' male Servant and Hakuno's fourth unit, as he had a personal bad history with him. That, and Gil was just a dick most of the time.

"Uwaa!" Hakuno said. "That's not something I want to see!" Then she paused. "Which way did he go?"

Archer pointed southward, way past the spots of the beach where Alice and Nursery Rhyme were making sand castles, Francis Drake was downing bottle after bottle while Shinji yelled at her to stop, and Karna chased hermit crabs around for a whining, sweaty and self-fanning Karagiri Jinako, who rested on her stomach on a beach blanket, with the top of her bikini undone and her breasts pressed down against the blanket. "That way, I believe."

Hakuno stared intently in that direction, eyes sparkling intently. "I see! Well, better NOT going there, then!"

Archer nodded wisely. "That's so right, Master."

"No matter what!" Hakuno added, still looking that way.

Archer nodded again. "You said it!"

Hakuno chewed on her lower lip. "Although maybe we should go to remind him this isn't a nudist beach…! Unless it turns out it is, of course, in which case I'll have no choice but joining hi-"

Caster coughed loudly, rushing back to Hakuno's side. "Forget about the King of Braggarts, Husband! Let's instead use this time to create some burning summer memories just for the two of us!"

Saber, not to be outdone, made her way to Hakuno's other side, wrapping her arm around hers. "What are you going to show her, the spots where you can hunt for the best mice and ferrets? Praetor, no Empire ever held more beaches than ours! I can show you everything there is to know about seaside entertainment! And if it's a nudist beach that your heart desires, well…!"

"Hey, come on, now!" Archer grumbled, tapping down with a large metal spoon on his stand. "Don't start fighting and throwing out orgies on Sakura's private beach! The nerve of you, pulling that kind of behavior behind her back after she invited us…"

"Ah?" said an approaching Sakura, the Cell's nurse A.I., coming from behind Archer in a white bikini and sandals that flattered her generous, healthy figure. "What are you talking about, Archer-sempai? I didn't send any invitations around! I just got one myself!"

"Eh?" Archer looked back at this long familiar presence who always brought him so many good memories. "Seriously, Sakura-san? But then who—Oh, crap."

Then, a second Sakura, this one with much longer purple hair and wearing a black bikini instead, appeared out of nowhere in a digital flash, right before Hakuno and the others, spinning around in her bare feet while spreading her arms open, large breasts bouncing like balls. "Yesssss!" this new Sakura all but cackled, winking at Hakuno with bombastic enthusiasm. "That's me, alright! The Black Blossom of Summer, the unstoppable burning passion under the sun! Your dear hostess and administrator, owner of this nifty resort, B.B.!"

"Oh, hello, Nee-san," Sakura waved with a small smile. "Good to see you having fun despite all of your duties!"

"Yeah, duties she should be returning to ASAP," Caster muttered, her former good mood spoiled.

"Oh, don't be that way, Foxie!" B.B. giggled, snapping her fingers and then reformatting the whole area of the beach around themselves, turning it into a large games arena. Moreover, while most of the beachgoers suddenly sat in stands by the sidelines, all of a sudden Archer, Caster and Saber were buried up to their necks in the sand, their mouths fully covered by sealing tape with small smirking B.B. emblems all over it. "That's not the attitude for a contestant in the latest B.B. Channel! Yeah! Now that's more like it!"

"You're abusing your Administrator privileges again!" Saber cried, but it only came out as a muffled, "Yuuhhh bssshnnng yuuhhh munuuussttt rruuuu gggnnnn!"

"It's the classic, timeless 'Split the Watermelon' game, B.B. Channel style!" B.B. giggled, hopping around on one foot while athletically throwing the other leg up, giving the audience a very good look, all but mesmerizing them. "A simple, easy to learn and master main attraction, made it all the flashier and trickier by Yours Truly! Oh, what a wonderful improvement! Such a stroke of genius! Let's give a hearty applause, then, to the first contestant in this flash round, everyone's favorite Master and voted Most Popular Bachelorette in the Moon Cell, Kishinami Hakuno-chan! Whoo-whoo!"

"Nee-san," Sakura sighed from her seat, then blinked as Robin Hood gallantly offered her a cone of ice-cream. "Oh, thank you very much!"

"Okay, it's my turn already? Thanks! Thank you!" a blindfolded Hakuno stumbled erratically out of the stands for the contestants, where an also blindfolded Fujimura Taiga swung in practice, more often than not whacking the screaming Shinji over the head. "Where are those watermelons now? I'm going to eradicate them with extreme prejudice, alright!"

"What is this now, Ranma filler?" Gawain demanded. "This is not only foolish but dangerous! Why aren't we stopping this immediately?"

"Who cares? Be quiet!" groaned Elizabeth Bathory, taking a large sip from her Jumbo cup of Cola. "Pigs exist only to be whacked, there's no better entertainment than that! Well, other than the concert I'll be offering afterwards, that is!"

"You won't!" B.B. told her while setting the last watermelon down, on top of Archer's head. Saber and Caster already had theirs on their own scalps, where they waited helpessly as targets. B.B. just as quickly regained her festive tone and giggled for Hakuno. "Over here, Kishinami-chan! Over here…! Whack them all and you'll be awarded a surprise fabulous prize, an all expenses paid date with B.B., sensation of the Moon Cell, herself! Oops, not a surprise anymore! Well, think of it as incentive, then!"

"A date, really…?" Hakuno wondered, cheeks flaring pink as she readied herself with her reglamentary wooden stick. "W-Well, not that I care about dates with other girls, but I guess I'd better win it so B.B.-chan doesn't fall in with some dangerous guy, or something, that's all…!"

"What's up with you and falling for the bad people around us?!" Archer demanded, but sadly it only came out as a garbled "Whuz uu wuuu uuu fuuuu fuuu buuhhh puuuu uuuruuu uuuu!"

"Okay, then here it goes!" Hakuno laughed, swinging for the watermelon at the middle. "BANZAI!"

"UMUUUU!" Saber cried, since the stick was going down in a perfect trajectory for her head. She moved her neck aside and dodged just in time, as the stick hit the sand instead.

"Ahhhh!" Hakuno moaned, hearing the loud honk of a sign marking her failure. "Did I just miss? No way, I thought I had it for sure! C'mon, Archer, Saber, Caster, you should be rooting for me! Where did you go all of a sudden, I can't hear you guys! Anyway, this time I won't fail…!"

And she swung again, but this time, a sharp chain flying through the air sliced her stick in two. At the exact same time, similar ends of a long tossing chain, sparkling under the sun, flew over to neatly slice the watermelons on the three Servants' heads, cleaving them apart while leaving the trio themselves unhurt. And even more extensions of chain rose from the sand, pulling the Servants out with them, then unceremoniously hurling them into the sea.

"What in the world?!" Saber said, instantly springing back from the water and ripping the tape from her face. Recognizing the golden chain flying back to its owner, she gasped. "Gilgamesh!"

"Oi, who'd have thought it…" Archer mumbling, rubbing the large red mark left all over his mouth by the tape. "The King of Hubris is feeling generous today, lucky us…"

"Yeah! And unlucky HER!" Tamamo growled, leaping out of the water and towards B.B., starting to chase her all over the beach. "You just stay quiet a moment while I eat you alive, B.B.! Seriously, I'm going to devour you whole!"

"Not if I get her first!" Nero shouted, joining the chase and swinging Archer's beach umbrella around like a sword. "B.B., Phoebus could reach even every corner of my vast Empire, but… I am going to shove this up YOUR place where the sun does not shine!"

"Ah ha ha ha, what kind of clumsy threat is that?!" B.B. laughed while easily running away from them, the chase taking place in wide circles all around the coast. "And seriously, it's obvious from those words you two are just dying for some sex in the beach!"

"SHUT UP AND DIE ALREADY!"

"Hmm?" Hakuno blinked, daring to pull her blindfold up. "Did I do it? I could swear I heard like I had—Ah!" she beamed happily, looking down at the smashed watermelon pieces all before her. "I did it! All of them in a single swing, too! Wow, I'm good!"

"Hm, hm, hm!" came an arrogant voice from above, and Hakuno's heart swooned. "Well done, then, mongrel!" resounded the condescending voice of the King of Heroes. "You can have that date if you wish for it, of course. It's hardly a prize I would care to claim for myself…"

"Ah! Gilgamesh!" Hakuno spun around happily. "You came to cheer for me, I'm so—UWAAAAAA!" she cried, dropping immediately on her back, propelled by two huge jets of compressed blood streaming from her nose, and falling unconscious with a huge smile on her face.

Bathory looked apart in red faced disgust from the humongous golden glory between the legs of the King of Uruk, proudly standing on top of a nearby hill, overlooking the procedures with arms haughtily folded over his naked torso. "Won't that guy ever stop flashing us like that, seriously?!"

Robin Hood flinched miserably. "I'm having bow inadequacy right now, so much," he had to confess.

"This is bad civilization," Altera icily said from where she sat enjoying a large cup of shaved ice with cream. "Then again," she added after a pause, "maybe I could find an use for one as him in my Faction…" 

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**The Beginning!**


End file.
